A change is not necessarily an improvement.

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he
noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung
off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was
wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and
her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice
fire truck," the firefighter said with admiration.

"Thanks," the girl replied.

The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to
her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

"Little partner," the firefighter said, "I don't want to tell you how to
run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I
think you could go faster."

The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I
wouldn't have a siren."

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
-David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
-Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
-Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
-Dumas

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?"
-Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
-Anonymous

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
-Henny Youngman

I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.
-Sam Kinison

There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.
-James Holt McGavran

I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.
-Patrick! Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
-Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
-Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
-Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
-Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
-Anonymous

Severe weather warning
 

The met office has just advised they are expecting a shower of s**t heading towards England from Africa

The second goal explained...

Osama Bin Laden has just appeared ìn a new tv message proving he is still alive. He said the English football team were <swear word> and full of excuses. British intelligence have dismissed it saying it could have been recorded at any time during the last 40 years...

------------------------------

Missus came home early this afternoon and nearly caught me watching England. Luckily I managed to put the porn on and get my old man out to save any embarrassment.......

--------------------------------------

David Blaine is said to be gutted because his record of doing <swear word> all in a box for 42 days has been broken by Wayne Rooney........

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under
your vehicle. From the Daily News comes this story of a Leicester couple
who drove their car to ASDA, only to have their car break down in the
car park.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the
car.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On
closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under
the chassis. Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of
underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones..

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward,
quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into
place.
On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found
herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by watching.

The AA mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

One for the geeks...

https://cybersecuritychallenge.org.uk/cipher.html

Took me less than a minute. maybe that says something, maybe not!

Neil

Your favourite film

http://www.thepoke.co.uk/wp-content/...movie-test.jpg

bleat bleat cmere

Isn't this one for ragheads?

Seen on bumper stickers
 

If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

Keep honking...I'm reloading.

So you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to ME.

If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.

Honk! If you want to see my finger

If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

Constipated People Don't Give ACrap.

Honk If Anything Falls Off.

Boldly Going Nowhere.

Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?

If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.

To All You Virgins - Thanks For Nothing.

My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.

Thank You For Pot Smoking.

If you're going to ride my ass at least pull my hair and make me scream!

Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.

Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.

If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.

So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.

Cover Me - I'm Changing Lanes.


Guys: No Shirt - No Service, Gals: No Shirt - No Charge
[Reported To Be Seen On A Restaurant]

He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit.
If You Can Read This, The Bitch Fell Off... [Seen On The Back Of A Biker's Vest]
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over... [Seen Upside Down, On A Land Rover]
Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.
Caution - Driver Legally Blonde!
Cat: The Other White Meat.


You! Out Of The Gene Pool!

Saw It... Wanted It... Had A Fit... Got It!

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me.

The Earth Is Full - Go Home.

Warning! Driver Only Carries $20.00 In Ammunition.

I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha.

Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That

Ax Me About Ebonics.

Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window.

PETA - People Eating Tasty Animals.

Illiterate? Write For Help.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.

Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather...
Not screaming and yelling, like the passengers in his car.

God must love stupid people; He made so many.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

CONSCIOUSNESS: That annoying time between naps.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Out of my mind...Back in five minutes

Damned if I do, damned if I don't...so damnit I will!

Accountants don't die - they just lose their balance.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let her sleep.

Life is like a dick. When it gets hard, "Screw it".

It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot


I;ve gotta to print me some of those :rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::l ol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

An American fighter plane was flying over Afghanistan when he
Noticed a flying carpet on each side of his plane, both with

A machine gunner on board.

Sensing danger he shot them down.

Back at base he got a right bollocking – apparently they were Allied Carpets.

..... .. . . . . . . . . . ..

I was driving to work this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up.

The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.

I thought to myself ‘that guy’s heading for a breakdown’.

. . . .. . . . . . . . . ..

On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign saying ‘English speaking Doctor’.

I thought;

“What a good idea, why don’t we have them in our country.”

. . . .. . . . . . . . . ..

The police came to my door last night holding a picture of my wife.

"Is this your wife sir?" said the officer.

"Yes it is" I replied.

"I'm afraid it looks like she's been in a car accident" said the Officer...

"I know" I said, "but she has a lovely personality!"

. . . . . . . . . . . . ..

Woke up this morning a bit late, about 8:15 ish. Called down to the wife and got no answer.

Got up and went downstairs to the kitchen and there she was,

Face down on the floor. Dead!

At that moment I completely lost it, my whole world fell apart, tears were welling in my eyes..............

Then a moment of pure inspiration........

....McDonalds do Breakfast until 10:30 !

. . . . . . . . . . . . .

Two women were talking. "Do you look at your husband's face when you have sex?"

"I did once & he looked really angry."

"Why angry?"

Because he was watching through the window.!

. . . . . . . . . . . . ..

Took a girl home from the pub last night but I ended up falling asleep on the sofa...

Must have drunk her bloody drink by mistake!

. . . .. . . . . . . . .

Last night I got so drunk that when I got to the bottom of the stairs, I took off my shoes, coat, top, trousers and underwear.

Then I crept upstairs very quietly, so as not to wake the kids or my other half.

It was only when I got to the very top I realised I was still on the bus home.

. . . . . . . . . . . . .

The government has announced that for the new school curriculum, boys are going to study the workings of the female mind.

The lessons, however, will be changed on an hourly basis!

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie,
a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian,
an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a
Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, and a
Swiss man walk into a pub.

The landlord says, "I can't let you in without a Thai."

Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day...

The next day he drove up and said,
'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey's died.'

Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'
Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'
Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'
Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me.
I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked,
'What happened with that dead donkey?'

Paddy said, 'I raffled him off.
I sold 500 tickets at two pounds apiece and made a profit of £898'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won.
So I gave him his two pounds back.'

Paddy now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland.

I have just booked a table for two on Valentines day but I have a horrible feeling it will end in tears like last year.

SWMBO is crap at snooker!

Governmentium - the heaviest element known to science:

Queens University researchers have discovered the heaviest element
yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has
one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198
assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons,
which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles
called pillocks. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert.
However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with
which it comes into contact.

A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would
normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to
complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It
does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a
portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time,
since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons,
forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some
scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons
reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred
to as critical morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium
becomes Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as
much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many pillocks but
twice as many morons

Did I read that sign right?


In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER...... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:
PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY
PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE
DRAINING BOARD

Outside a second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR
WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE
1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T
WORK)

Chicken Surprise

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise'.
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly
and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hadn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'
The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'

(You're going to love this...................
You're going to hate yourself for loving this!.............. )
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck!'

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! B******s to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown.'

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee four two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong

Eye have run this poem threw it
am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

Ferry gouda!.

Oh Goody a new euro language... Deep joy!!!!1
 

New EU Language

Unread postby Jude The Dude » Tue Jun 28, 2011 4:21 pm
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f".. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vordskontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.


Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.


If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.

Two fish in a tank.

One turns to the other and says, "How do you drive this thing?"

Can i have your address please.... you sooooo need a slap for that one :-/

bup

A newlywed couple wanted to join a church.

The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners.
You must abstain from sex for an entire month."

The couple agreed and, after 3 weeks, returned to the church. When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying, and the husband obviously was very depressed.

"You are back so soon...Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.

"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month," the young man replied sadly.

The pastor asked him what happened.

"Well, the first week was difficult; however, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. The third week, however, was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible, or anything to keep our minds free of carnal thoughts.

But one afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I noticed that she didn't have panties on and I was overcome with lust and I had my way with her, right then and there," admitted
the man, shamefacedly.

"You understand this means you will not be welcome into our church," stated the pastor.

"We know," said the young man, hanging his head.

"We're not welcome at B&Q anymore, either."

Could be worse Dave they could have been welcome at Focus to enjoy the facility's, but now the doors are closed... :rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:

Brain of Britain
 

Brain of Britain

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Jeremy Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Jamie Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester

BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don't know.
Stewart White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm
Stewart White: Correct And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant: Strong.
Stewart White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant: Louis
Stewart White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )
Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy ?
Contestant: France
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant: The Conservative Party.

BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )
DJ Mark: For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoyne: What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey?

GWR FM ( Bristol )
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963 ?
Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO - MANCHESTER )
Phil: What's 11 squared?
Contestant: I don't know.
Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant: Is it five?

RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
Contestant: Forrest Gump.

RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er. .. ...
Richard: He makes bread . . ..
Contestant: Er . .....
Richard: He makes cakes . . ..
Contestant: Kipling Street ?

LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question: What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant: The Pacific.

ROCK FM ( PRESTON )
Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci.
Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre: What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant: Magna Carta?

JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
James O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ER. ER ... Three?


CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )
Chris Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?
Caller: Japan
Chris Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er ..... Mexico ?

PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (long pause): Fourteen days.

DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland ?
Daryl Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland ? Ireland ?
Daryl Denham: (helpfully) It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
Contestant: No.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Phil Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er. ... ...
Phil Wood It's got two syllables . . .. Kor . .
Contestant: Blimey?
Phil Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . ....
Contestant: (Silence)
Phil Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . ..
Contestant: Walked?

THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant: Nostalgia.

LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant: Jewish.
Presenter: That's close enough.

STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?
Contestant: Jesus.

Our new Official Complaint Form
 

:lol::lol::lol:

Just figured out why I'm overweight! The shampoo I use in the shower that runs down my body says "For extra volume and body". I'm going to start using "Fairy" dish soap. It says " Dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove"

lol must try it

I’ve discovered one of my ancestors was killed at the battle of Hastings.
He wasn’t a soldier.
He was camping in the field next door and went over to complain about the noise.

Isn't it strange how Sexy Women always drive Cute Little Cars??
That reminds me the MOT's due on the wife's 130 crew cab !

WHAT PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST?

The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, 'When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?'

Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.'
'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'

Suzy replied:
'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God takes your hands first.'

'What a wonderful answer!', the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said,
'Sister, I think it's your feet.'
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.

'Now, Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?'

Johnny said: 'Well, I walked past Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night.
Mom had her legs up in the air and she was saying:
'Oh God! I'm coming!'

If Dad hadn't pinned her down, I reckon we'd have lost her."

. . . . . . . The nun had to leave the room.

the first rioter has been convicted of looting DFS, he got a £1000 fine but pays nothing for a year then gets 4 years interest free credit...

This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, whilst not really paying attention.

The driver got out and he was a dwarf.

He said, "I'm not happy."
I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"

Title: A Sexual Encounter between a Capacitor and an Inductor

One evening, with his charge at full capacity, Micro Farad decided to get a cute coil to discharge him. He went to the Magnet Bar to pick up a chip called Millie Amp. He caught her out back trying self induction; fortunately, she had not damaged her solenoid. The two took off on his megacycle and rode across the Wheatstone Bridge into a magnetic field, next to a flowing current , to watch the sine waves.

Micro Farad was very much stimulated by Millie's characteristic curve. Being attractive himself, he soon had her field fully excited. He set her on the ground potential, raised his frequency, lowered her resistance, and pulled out his high voltage probe. When he inserted it in parallel, he short-circuited her shunt. Fully excited, Millie cried out, "ohm, ohm, give me mho". As he increased his tube to maximum output, her coil vibrated from the current flow. It did not take long for her shunt to reach maximum heat. Now with the excessive current shortening her shunt, Micro's capacity rapidly discharged – every electron was drained off. But that was not the end of it. Indeed, they fluxed all night, tried various connections and hookings until his bar magnet weakened, and he could no longer generate enough voltage to sustain his collapsing field. With his battery fully discharged, Micro was unable to excite his tickler, so they went home. A few weeks later, they were merged forever and oscillated happily ever after.

I keep getting the urge to chat up pregnant women - I must be having a
midwife crisis....

:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

Cletus & Billy Bob...


Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap
in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in
front of an old green John Deere tractor .

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides
off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then
hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his
overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.

Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal
his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the
T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck're ya
doing, Billy Bob?"

"Good Lord, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an
obviously embarrassed Billy Bob .

"But me 'n the ol' lady been havin' trouble lately in the bedroom
d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a
tractor."