FRANK:


A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets
into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like
Frank."


Passenger: 'Who?'


Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the
time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like
that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman He was a terrific athlete. He could have won
the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an
opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard
him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered
everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and
which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I
change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he
could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid
traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But
Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman
and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was
in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly
polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one
could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died. I'm married to his
dam widow."

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"



(folks, you're gonna love this)



The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone."






Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!

Never take life too seriously!

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies:

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4 The Italians drink a lot of red wine
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION.....

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speed up heart not make live longer; that like say you can extend life of car by driving faster. Want live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does cow eat? Hay and corn.
What are these? Vegetables. So, steak nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give 100% recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine. That means they take water out of fruity bit; get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: If you have body and you have fat, ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Cannot think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only do sit-ups if want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy? HELLO ... Cocoa beans! Vegetable!!! Cocoa beans best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

During a particularly wet winter, floodwaters rise so high in one town that the National Guard evacuates all the residents.

One man stays behind, however, and when the water is waist-high, two national guardsmen in a boat motor past his house, checking for people left behind.

"We're evacuating the town because of the flood! Jump in the boat and we'll carry you to safety!"

But the man says, "No, don't bother; I've led a pious life, and the Lord will save me."

The men in the boat shrug their shoulders and motor away. Later, when the water level has driven the man onto his roof, another boat appears.

"Haven't you heard the town has been evacuated? Come on, we'll save you!"

But the man sends them away again, saying, "No, no, the Lord will save me!"

The water level keeps rising until the man is standing on his chimney and barely keeping his head above water. A helicopter, doing a final check, appears overhead. It drops a rope, and the loudspeaker says,

"Grab the rope and we'll bring you to safety!"

But the man waves the helicopter away, once again saying, "No, the Lord will save me!"

But the water level keeps rising, and he drowns.

When he gets to heaven, he is completely bewildered. He asks God, "God, why didn't you save me?"

And God says, "Well, I sent you two boats and a helicopter."

One for the females!

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?

(because they are plugged into a genius)

--------------------------------------

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?

(they don't have enough time)

-------------------------------------

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?

(they don't stop to ask directions)

--------------------------------------

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?

(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapour lock)

--------------------------------------


-------------------------------------

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?

(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)

--------------------------------------

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?

(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

--------------------------------------

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?

(don't know.....it never happened)

--------------------------------------


-------------------------------------

And the personal favourite:


8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?

(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

--------------------------------------

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat-shirt seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'



'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'



He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma ..'



And they say blondes are dumb...

------------------------------------

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'



The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'

-------------------------------------

'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'



'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.

--------------------------------------

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?



A: A rumour

------- ------------------------------

Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death. AMEN

--------------------------------------

Q: Why do little boys whine?



A: They are practising to be men.

--------------------------------------

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?



A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

-------------------------------------

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?



A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'

A husband wakes up at home with a huge hangover.

He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean.

So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table. “Honey, breakfast is on the table, I left early to go grocery shopping. Love You!”

Totally shocked with the note , he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating. He asks, “Son, what happened last night?”

His son says, “Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious.
Broke some crockery, puked in the hall, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door”.

Confused, the man asks, “So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me? I should expect a big quarrel with her!”

His son replies, “Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your clothes n shoes off, you said,



“LADY LEAVE ME ALONE! I’M MARRIED!”






Moral :
Self-induced hangover – £200.00

Broken crockery – £400.00

Breakfast – £5.00

Saying the Right Thing While Drunk – “PRICELESS ”

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. Don’t worry about what people think, they don’t do it very often.

3. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

1 4. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a muffin in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides nice contrast to the real world.

25. It ain’t the jeans that make your butt look fat.

26. If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved it’s full potential, that word would be ‘meetings’.

27. There is a very fine line between ‘hobby’ and ‘mental illness.’

28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

29. You should not confuse your career with your life.

30. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.

31. Never lick a steak knife.

32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

35. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that deep down inside we ALL believe we are good drivers.

36. Your friends love you anyway.

A Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular local bar, hoping for a bust.
At closing time, as everyone come out he spotted his potential quarry.

The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his car. After trying his keys on five other cars, he finally found his own vehicle.

He sat in the car a good ten minutes, as the other patrons left.
He turned his lights on, then off, wipers on, then off. He started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped. Finally, when he was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away.

The patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over. He administered the breathalyzer test, and to his great surprise, the man blew a 0.00.

The patrolman was dumbfounded. "This equipment must be broken!"
exclaimed the patrolman.

"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy!!!"

Whilst refueling his car a man splashes petrol all down his right sleve. A little later as he is driving, the man decides to have a cigarette forgetting about what is on his sleve. Of course as he lights his fag the petrol on his sleve ignites. He stickes his arm out of the window and frantically waves it around to extinguish the flames. He is pulled over by a police man an arrested for posessing a "firearm"

A Londoner parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues.

As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off.

More than a little distraught, the Londoner grabs his mobile and Calls the police.

Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically:
'My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!'

After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust.

'I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Londoners are,' he says.
'You lot are so focussed on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life.'

'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' sobs the Porsche owner.

The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you.'

The Londoner looks down in horror.

he screams........'Where's my Rolex????...

Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.

They managed to bag 6.

As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.

The two lads objected strongly.

'Last year we got six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours.'

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.

However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick,

'Any idea where we are?'

Mick replied, 'I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year.'

Rabbit joke
 

I take no credit or blame for this as it came from another forum but made me titter.:lol:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man is driving along a highway
and sees a rabbit jump out
across the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it,
but unfortunately
the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.


The driver,
a sensitive man as well as an animal lover,
pulls over and gets out to see
what has become of the rabbit.


Much to his dismay,
the rabbit is dead.



The driver feels so awful
that he begins to cry.


A beautiful blonde woman
driving down the highway
sees a man crying on the
side of the road
and pulls over.


She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.


"I feel terrible," !
he explains,
"I accidentally hit this rabbit
and killed it."


The blonde says,
"Don't worry."

She runs to her car
and pulls out a spray can.


She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit,
bends down,
and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.

The rabbit jumps up,
waves its paw at the two of them
and hops off down the road.


Ten feet away the rabbit stops,
turns around and waves again,
he hops down the road another 10 feet,
turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves,
and repeats this again and again and again,
until he hops out of sight.


The man is astonished.

He runs over to the woman and demands,
"What is in that can?
What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turns the can around
so that the man can read the label.


It says..



(Are you ready for this?)





(Are you sure?)




(This is bad!)




(It's definitely a Blonde Joke!)







(You know you could just click off
and not read the punch line....)






(You can still delete it)











(You know you're gonna be sorry)











(Last chance)











(OK, here it is)










It says,







"Hair Spray -
Restores life to dead hair,
and adds permanent wave."

An irishman applying for a blacksmiths job was asked if he had any experiance shoeing horses. He said no but he'd once told a donkey to flibbleflibbleflibbleflibbleoff..

I've just been offered eight legs of venison for Christmas for £150.
Do you think that's two deer?

:D:D

Suppose its a leg each for you !!!!

Not till Feb!

I despair!

1. The Dairy Association's huge success with their campaign "Got Milk?"
prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are you lactating?"

2. Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."

3. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."

4. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "Manure Stick."

5. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label.
Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of what's inside, since many people can't read.

6. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious pornographic magazine.

7. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I Saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa) .

8. Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in Chinese.

9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokou kole", translating into "happiness in the mouth."

10. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."

11. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." The company thought that the word "embarazar" (to
impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant"

12. When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its "Fly In Leather" campaign literally, which meant "Fly Naked" (vuela en
cuero) in Spanish.

13. When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go." After the company figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.

14. Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger- lickin'
good" came out as "eat your fingers off."

15. The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling Free," got translated in the Japanese market into "When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."

16. Ford had a problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The company found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for "tiny male genitals". Ford pried all the nameplates off and substituted Corcel, which means horse.

17. In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.

18. Japan's second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it entered English-speaking markets and began receiving requests for unusual sex tours.
Upon finding out why, the owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist Company changed its name.

Thanks for that one dave!, i was feeling tired and bleary eyed as it was!!!:rolleyes::lol::lol::lol:

Whats with the link!!!! I don't get it !!!!!!!!!!!

Look at the top - "Dixons - the last place you want to go"

"When I were a lad, Momma would send me down to t'corner store wi' a
dollar, and I'd come back wi' five pounds o' potatoes, two loaves o'
bread, three pints o' milk, a pound o' cheese, a packet o' tea, an' 'alf
a dozen eggs. Yer can't do that now.
Too many damm security cameras

Which way..

Year One school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by Year one students. Their insight may surprise you. Keep in mind that these are 6 year olds, because the last one is, well, a classic!

1. Don't change horses
until they stop running.

2. Strike while the
bug is close.

3. It's always darkest before
Daylight Saving Time.

4. Never underestimate the power of
termites.

5. You can lead a horse to water but
How?

6. Don't bite the hand that
looks dirty.

7. No news is
impossible

8. A miss is as good as a
Mr.

9. You can't teach an old dog new
Math

10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll
stink in the morning.

11. Love all, trust
Me.

12. The pen is mightier than the
pigs.

13. An idle mind is
the best way to relax.

14. Where there's smoke there's
pollution.

15. Happy the bride who
gets all the presents.

16. A penny saved is
not much.

17. Two's company, three's
the Musketeers.

18. Don't put off till tomorrow what
you put on to go to bed.

19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and
You have to blow your nose.

20. There are none so blind as
Stevie Wonder.

21. Children should be seen and not
spanked or grounded.

22. If at first you don't succeed
get new batteries.

23. You get out of something only what you
see in the picture on the box

24. When the blind lead the blind
get out of the way.

25. A bird in the hand
is going to poop on you.


And the WINNER and last one!

26. Better late than
Pregnant

Hahahahahahahaha the kid is right though :lol::lol::lol: I am living proof :lol:

A few facts about our bodies.



It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb).

The average man's private area is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's...

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

Damn, i've got really small thumbs.......

:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::o:o:o:o:lol::lol::lol:

ebay
 

Why on BUY iT now only do you get people watching,got fishing tackle on and all got 6 watchers.

That's not a very good joke ;)

Could,nt think of a good punch line

There's a big conference of beer producers. At the end of the day, the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar.The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on. Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke!"Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask."Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, then neither will I."

Having a "goldfish bowl facilitated discussion" with a user group? Make sure you acheive meaningful "trialogue", maybe through a "thought shower".

These and many more public sector jargon words are on the enclosed list banned by the Local Government Association - enjoy...

ha ha its like a afternoon at one of our consultants offices!!!

In a similar vein, why is american beer like making love in a canoe?, they're both 'effin close to water!.:lol:

Nissan at gorden chesterfield they having laugh at my exspence want £450 for new rear diff flange & seal, and £350 for new abs wiring lombe all due to fact whent off road and got some matting roand prop and riped 4 wire`s in harf on back driver side.

A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray.

"...and what will your third wish be?"

The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?"

"You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes.
You now have one wish left."

"Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the heck.
I've always wanted to understand women. I'd love to know what's going on inside their heads."

"Funny," said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever, "That was your first wish, too!"

Really Dave - that's too true to be funny :D