A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak.... He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged... shooting him in the genitals.


Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.


'Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot.'


'What's the bad news?' asked the hunter.


'The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister.'


'Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad,' the hunter replied. 'Is your sister a plastic surgeon?'


'Not exactly.' answered the doctor. 'She's a flute player in the local symphony and she's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye.'

mens pearls of wisdom


1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big penis or a
good memory. I don't remember what I chose.





2. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex,

she objects.





3. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'





4. There are only two four letter words that are offensive
to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.





5. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the
best thing on earth.





6. There are three stages of sex in a man's life:

Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.





7. Virginity can be cured.





8. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have
a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.





9. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer

were too small.





10. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with
the enemy.





11. Q: What's an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.





12. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing.
He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the
Thing......





13. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.





14. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.





15. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed',

many men still sleep with their wives!!

Reading on the loo is more complicated than you think!

http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/A21388458

Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor. Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suctioned-cupped herself to the floor.
She yelled out for her husband: 'Bruce! Bruce!'
Bruce came running in.
'Bruce, I've flibbleflibbleflibbleflibbleflibbleflibble suctioned myself to the floor,' she said.
'S'truth', Bruce said, and tried to pull her up.
'You're stuck fast girl! I'll go across the road and get Cobber.' (his mate)
They came back and both tried to pull her up.
'No way, we can't do it,' Cobber said, 'so let's try Plan B.'
'Plan B,' exclaimed Bruce, 'what's that?'
'I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles under her,' replied Cobber.
'Spot on,' Bruce said, 'while you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her nipples.'
'Play with her nipples?' Cobber said, 'Not exactly a good time for that mate!'
'No,' Bruce replied, 'but I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are less expensive.'

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.
After retiring, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.
Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart.
Dear Mrs Fitzgerald,
Over the past 6 months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against Mr Samsel are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice: 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed: 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled: 'Pick me! Pick me!'
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed :'Oh no! It's those voices again!'
And last, but not least
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here !'

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs.
A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did.
The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant and rave about what would happen if she let the crabs thaw out.
Shortly before landing in New York, she announced to the entire cabin: 'Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise his hand?'
Not one hand went up.
So she took them home and ate them herself.
Men never learn.

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
‘House’ for instance, is feminine: ‘la casa.’
‘Pencil,’ however, is masculine: ‘el lapiz.’
A student asked: ‘What gender is 'computer'?’
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into 2 groups, male and female.
She asked them to decide for themselves whether ‘computer’ should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give 4 reasons for their recommendation.
The men's group decided that ‘computer’ should definitely be of the feminine gender (‘la computadora’), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval
and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine (‘el computador’), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem
and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have got a better model.

The women won.

A farmer named Seamus had a car accident.

In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was
questioning Seamus.

'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'
asked the solicitor.

Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just
loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just
Answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,
'I'm fine!'?'

Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....'

The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after
the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.
Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and
said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his
favourite cow, Bessie'.

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'




'Now what exactly would you say?'

Chairmans 40th tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!:o:o:o. Not a joke as such i know, but when i read it on the calendar it made me laugh out loud!!!:lol::lol::lol:. How much has he bribed patrick not to put his true age on???lol!:lol::lol::lol:

If in doubt, add some bacon.

http://bacolicio.us/http://humber-yorks.4x4response.org

A motorist had just gone through a well known camera-protected 30 mph zone, doing his usual 29.5 mph when he was stopped by a policeman.

Why are you stopping me?, asked the motorist. 'I was well under the limit'.

'Not for speeding, Sir. That was tax evasion.'

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold
Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished
but amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women
drivers. The woman says, "So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm
a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're
unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in
peace for the rest of our days".

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be
a sign from God!" But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be
allowed to drive. The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break.
Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement,
opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to
the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"


The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Women are clever, evil bitches. Don't mess with us.

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.


Sacha Guitry





After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.


Hemant Joshi






By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.


Socrates






Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.


Dumas





The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?


Sigmund Freud





I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.


Anonymous





"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."


Henny Youngman






"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."


Sam Kinison





"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."


James Holt McGavran





"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."


Patrick Murray





Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming


1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,


2. Whenever you're right, shut up.


Nash





The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...


Anonymous






You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.


Henny Youngman





My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met...


Rodney Dangerfield






A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.


Milton Berle






Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.


Anonymous






First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"


Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

This http://bama.ua.edu/~acsellers/story.html is one of the most hilarious reads ever, I had to stop reading it at one point because I couldn't see the words for tears. It's a long one but just get's better and better. Enjoy!

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sits down in the aisle seat and puts his black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane ?

The second man explains that he is a Drug Enforcement Agency officer and the dog is a 'Sniffer dog'. 'His name is Smithy and he's the best there is.
I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says:
Watch this.' He tells Smithy to 'search'.

Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.

Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.

The agent says, 'Good boy', and he turns to the man and says:
'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.'

'Say, that's pretty neat,' replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles.
The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to his seat and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm.

The agent says, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making note of his seat number for the police.'

'I like it!' says his seat mate.

The agent then tells Smithy to 'search' again.

Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to flibbleflibbleflibbleflibble all over the place.

The first man is really amazed out by this behaviour and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like this, so he asks the agent 'What's going on?'


The agent nervously replies,


'He just found a bomb !'

> These are genuine complaints to Oxford City Council from council
> house tenants complaining about various things
>
> My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has
> fungus growing in it.
>
> He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't
> take it anymore.
>
> It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.
>
> I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my
> knob off.
>
> I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he
> put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
>
> And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my
> fence
>
> I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof.
> I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
>
> My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
>
> I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
>
> Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped
> and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
>
> I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen
>
> 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are
> plain filthy.
>
> I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
>
> The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
>
> Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour
> and not fit to drink.
>
> Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
>
> I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at
> 6am his flibbleflibbleflibbleflibble wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
>
> The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is
> unsightly and dangerous.
>
> Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third
> so please send someone round to do something about it.
>
> I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please
> do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
>
> Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
>
> I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still
> have no satisfaction.
>
> This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't
> get BBC2.

Technologically advanced!!!
Irish rule the world

After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the English newspapers read: "English archaeologists have found traces of 200-year- old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Scots."

One week later, "The Kerrymen," a southwest Irish newsletter, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 meters in peat bog near Tralee, Mick O'Droll, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found
absolutely nothing. Mick has therefore concluded that 300 years
ago, Ireland had already gone
wireless.

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.

"You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career."

All you series owners you got to get yourself some of this.

Actual Worldwide Signs


Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN !!!?

Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia:
TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.

Doctors office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

In a Pumwani maternity ward:
NO CHILDREN ALLOWED.

An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.

At a Budapest zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY

Hotel, Acapulco:
THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On an Athi River highway:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.

On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.

In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

Hotel elevator, Paris:
PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.

Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan:
COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF

Car rental brochure, Tokyo:
WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOUR.

Sign in men's rest room in Japan:
TO STOP LEAK TURN !!!! TO THE RIGHT

Sign in Japanese public bath:
FOREIGN GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO PULL !!!! IN TUB.

In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN,LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME

In a Bucharest Hotel lobby (really!):
THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.

Swine flu hotline
 

I rang the swine flu hotline yesterday and all I got was alot of crackling noises. :rofl:

http://i245.photobucket.com/albums/g...tachment-1.jpg

Gordon Brown, Alistair Darling and Peter Mandelson are flying to a world economic summit, Peter looks at Alistair and chuckles: 'You know, I could throw a £50 note out of the window right now and make someone very happy'.
Alistair shrugs his shoulders and says: ' Well, I could throw five £10 notes out of the window and make five people very happy'.
Gordon say: 'Of course, but I could throw ten £5 notes out of the window and make ten peopel very happy.
The pilot rolls his eyes, looks at all of them, and says: 'Listen, how about if I throw all of your out of the window and make the whole country happy'

Almost relevant, and a bit jokey...

http://www.b3tards.com/u/c906e57fc22...336/caykes.gif

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Lucy raised and hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched."

"That was a fine story Lucy," said the teacher.

Oh no, here's little Johnny with his hand up.

"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen.
Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets, then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Don't mess with Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."

If you receive an email from the Department of Health telling you not to eat tinned pork because of swine flu - ignore it.
It's just spam

:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after.

Both subsequently died in the ambulance and the PCT set up an enquiry, which came to the following conclusions:

1. The 50 mile journey to the nearest casualty department was in the couples' best interests.

2. The fact that there was no local bed in which Jack could mend his head was unfortunate but no targets had been breached and he had been offered a choice.

3. The lack of vinegar and brown paper was not material to the man's death as NICE had not yet decided whether it was cost-effective and in any case both the brown paper nurse and the vinegar nurse were away on courses.

4. The GP was most to blame and should be suspended and referred to the GMC as he had:

a. Not reported Jack and Jill's lack of water to social services;

b. Failed to recognise that anyone going UP the hill to fetch a pail of water must be seriously demented;

c. Had not involved the Falls Coordinator which resulted in Jill tumbling after Jack.

The modern history of teaching maths



1. Teaching Maths In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is 80% of the price. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Maths In 1990
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is £80. How much was his profit?

4. Teaching Maths In 2000
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Maths In 2005
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habit of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the logger cut down their homes just for a measly profit of £20.

6. Teaching Maths In 2009
A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the felling licence. He is also fined a £100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could cut something. He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined another £100 because he is such an easy target. When he is released he returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100. While he is in jail the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for £100 cash. They also have a leaving BBQ of squirrel and pheasant and depart leaving behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting. The forester on release is warned that failure to clear the fly tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced £12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor.

Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make £20 profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the state for the rest of his life?

7. Teaching Maths 2010
أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل 100 دولار. صاحب تكلفة الانتاج من الثمن. ما هو الربح له؟

hit the nail on the head there john!

Man + Shopping = Trouble
Letter received by a woman who ignored that basic rule:

Mrs. Fenton,

Our store is considering banning your family from ever shopping with us unless your husband stops his antics. Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras.

Mr. Bill Fenton - Complaints - 15 Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse/partner is shopping:

1. June 15:
Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2:
Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7:
Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. July 19:
Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in house wares ... and watched what happened.

5. August 4:
Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay buy.

6. September 14:
Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15:
Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the beddingdepartment.

8. September 23:
When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks: 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. October 4:
Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and proceeded to pick his nose.

10. November 10:
While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. December 3:
Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6:
In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. December 18:
Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. December 21:
When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!

15. December 23:
Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

LMAO Sux they made me chuckle lol

Only in OZ !!
 

This is fabulous, do read the Q&A's !!

These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)

__________________________________________________

> Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).
>
> A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
__________________________________________________
>
> Q:Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )

> A:Depends how much you've been drinking.
__________________________________________________
>
> Q:I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden)
>
> A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
__________________________________________________
>
> Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK)

> A: What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________
>
> Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )

> A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
> Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
> ... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
>
> Q:Which direction is North in Australia ? (USA )
>
> A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________
>
> Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
> A:Why? Just use your fingers like we do...
__________________________________________________
>
> Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )

> A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is
> Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
>
> Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )
> A: You are a British politician, right?
__________________________________________________
>
> Q:Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )

> A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
> Milk is illegal.
__________________________________________________
>
> Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )

> A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
> All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
__________________________________________________
>
> Q:I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA )
>
> A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
> You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________
>
> Q:I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? (USA)

> A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________

> Q:Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? (France )
>
> A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________
>
> Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
>
> A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

Was sent this and thought it was funny
 

A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of "a house of ill repute" and knocked on the door.

When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.

He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it.

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"
Of course the Madam said "No".

The boy said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber - THAT'S the girl I want."

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.

He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"

He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the disease.

Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it.

In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE'S the prick that ran over my frog.

Never a truer word spoken
 

TWO GLASSES OF WINE

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 glasses of wine....

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it in to the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous 'yes.'

The professor then produced two glasses of wine from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand The students laughed.

'Now,' said the professor, as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things; your family, your children, your health, your friends, and your favorite passions; things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.'

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car. The sand is everything else; the small stuff. 'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'There is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.'

'Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. Do one more run down the ski slope. There will always be time to clean the house and sort the rubbish. Take care of the golf balls first; the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.'

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the wine represented.

The professor smiled. 'I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of glasses of wine with a friend.'

One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:

'If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're
nuts.'

LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS):

1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

2. A will is a dead giveaway.

3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

14. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.

15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

16. A calendar's days are numbered.

17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

21. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.

22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

23. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

30. The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

31. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

32. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

33. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

34. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

35. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

36. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.


37. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

38. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

39. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

40. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

41. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

42. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

43. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

44. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

45. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

46. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects

Did you ever wonder why you never see dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica ?

Ever wonder where they go? Wonder no more.

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguins have a very strong community bond. They are very committed to their family and will mate for life.

They also maintain a form of compassionate contact with their offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the freshly dug grave and sing....













..."freeze a jolly good fellow"

AND THEN THE FIGHT STARTED ............



My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

******************************************

My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed... I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

******************************************

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

******************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah,
well I couldn't believe it..... He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY !!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started.....

*****************************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
seconds.'

I bought her a set of bathroom scales.

And then the fight started...

******************************************

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive...
so, I took her to a petrol station..

And then the fight started....

******************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.. I looked in my pockets and realised I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have got disability allowance, too.'

And then the fight started....

******************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

******************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

******************************************

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's *** near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

He writes:

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her.

This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and gave the woman the finger.

'Man, that guy is stupid,' I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.

That's 96 miles each day.

Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper

Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.

There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.

That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.

That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.

Statistically, females drive half of these.

That's 18,000 women drivers!

In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.

That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding.

That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.

That's 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.

That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.


That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female who has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Give her the finger?

I don't think so.

A man in Tesco's tries to buy half a cauliflower.
The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole cauliflowers.

The man persists and asks to see the manager.

The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager 'Some prat out there wants to buy half a cauliflower".
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him so he added "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half".
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here.
Where are you from son?
'Liverpool , sir,' the boy replied. Well why did you leave Liverpool? The manager asked.
The boy said there's nothing but whores and footballers up there 'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Liverpool.
You're kidding replied the boy. Who'd she play for?