40 Gypsies arrive at the Pearly Gates in their Transit vans and caravans.

St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying. 'I've got 40
pikeys here. Can I let them in?'

God says 'We are over quota on travellers right now . Go out and tell them to choose between them which are the 12 most worthy, and I will let just the dozen in.'

Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to God again. 'They've gone', he tells God.

'What?' says God, 'All 40 of them?'

'No, the gates'.

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked 'Do you know her?' 'Yes' I sighed,
'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up many years
ago and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' said my wife, 'Who would think someone could go on
celebrating that long!!!!'

I rear-ended a car this morning. It was all my fault.

We stopped at the side of the road and slowly the other driver got out
of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just
seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.. he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me and shouted 'I AM NOT
HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well then which one are you!!!'

Oldest Profession
A physician, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world. The physician remarked, "Well, in the Bible, it says that God created Eve from a rib taken out of Adam. This clearly required surgery, and so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world." The civil engineer interrupted, and said, "But even earlier in the book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly the most spectacular application of civil engineering. Therefore, fair doctor,
you are wrong: mine is the oldest profession in the world." The computer scientist leaned back in her chair, smiled, and then said confidently, "Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?"

How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.

How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer.

What did God say when he created Adam?
I can do better than this.

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.

Why do men like love at first sight?
It saves them a lot of time.

Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?

What do you call an intelligent man in America?
A tourist.

Scouse Vasectomy



After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was

enough as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't

strong enough to nick one.


The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife

didn't want to have any more children.


The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that

would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative

was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then

hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.


The Scouser said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest guy in the

world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my

ear is going to help me.'


'Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor.


So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held

the can up to his ear and began to count: '1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which

point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could

continue counting on his other hand...


This procedure also works in Birmingham , parts of Essex, Cornwall ,

Sunderland, Wigan, Aberdeen and anywhere in Ireland

Medical humour (you'll never look the doctor straight in the eye again)


A man dashes into the A&E Dept. and yells . . . 'My wife's going to have her baby in the taxi'.
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the taxi, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly, after protests from the lady, I noticed that there were several taxis - - - and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald , St. Andrews Hosp. Glasgow.

At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,' I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Barnes, St. Thomas's Bath.

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her on her mobile phone reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg Royal London Hosp.

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment, he told me that he was having trouble with one of his medications. 'Which one?' . .. I asked. 'The patch; the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!'
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body
Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk General.

A nurse was on duty in the A&E when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered.
It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for an immediate operation.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read . . .'Keep off the grass.'
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which read 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'
Submitted by Staff Nurse RN Elaine Fogerty , KGH London (Doctor wouldn't submit his name).

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked 'how long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered . . .'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was still alive.'
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Maidenhead Royal Kent.

The Theory of Intelligence

"Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the heard is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

What causes people to have arthritis?
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a underground seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well I'll be." the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long did you have arthritis?"

"I don't have it father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:



1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.



AND MOST IMPORTANT OF ALL



5. It's VITAL that these four women do not know each other.

abdull:- how was your holiday rashid?

rashid :- not bad but the muder mystery weekend in mumbi was a bit intense.

21 things you can only get away with saying at Christmas





1. I prefer breasts to legs

2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

3. Smother the butter all over the breasts!

4. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!

5. I've never seen a better spread!

6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.

7. Are you ready for seconds yet?

8. It's a little dry; do you still want to eat it?

9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!

10. Don't play with your meat.

11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.

12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?

13. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!

14. You still have a little bit on your chin.

15. How long will it take after you put it in?

16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

17. Just pull the end and wait for the bang.

18. That's the biggest bird I've ever had!

19. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning

20. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more!

21. I do like a good stuffing.

Amy G's special talent
 

Click HERE for video

Cant wait for the morning.....















to see the kids faces




















when they open their woolworths vouchers

Subject: Henry Ford and the Goldburg Bros



The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.



The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.



Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.



They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.



The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.



The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.



Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords produced in his factories.



They haggled back and forth for about two hours, and finally agreed on $4 million price tag along with the agreement that just their first names would be shown on the label.



And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max on the controls.



So, now you know . . .

Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumour.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.

One day, an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, 'Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?'

'Wait a moment,' Socrates replied, 'Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test.'

'Triple filter?' asked the acquaintance.

'That's right,' Socrates continued. 'Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?'

'No,' the man said, 'actually I just heard about it.'

'All right,' said Socrates. 'So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?'

'No, on the contrary ....'.

'So,' Socrates continued, 'you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?'.

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued.' You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?'

'No, not really...'

'Well,' concluded Socrates, 'if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?'

The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out that Plato was shagging his missus.

One for the slitty drivers. Hysterically funny but with some strong language.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=llDU2...layer_embedded

well hitler never really did understood what was right or wrong, good or bad! so say the green oval!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! if he did he would never had messed around with us

You see not such a bad chap - seem to know his offroaders.

Excellent :)

Laws
 

Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and
you'll have to pee.

Law of Gravity
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always
answers.

Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the
very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move
faster than the one you are in now (works every time)=

Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you
are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theatre
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive
last.

Starbucks Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do
something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent
lockers.

Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor
covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law of Physical Appearance
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making
it..

Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time
you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay
sick

Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity
of your act

So True.....

Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Thats how i keep my job!!!!

No, that's just your natural charm and beauty ;)

Summary of Life



GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is nana's lap.


GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.





GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.




THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.


SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends..
At age 17 success is . . having a drivers licence.
At age 35 success is . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . .. . having a drivers licence.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . ... not piddling in your pants.


Pass this on to someone who could use a laugh.

Always remember to forget the troubles that pass your way; BUT NEVER forget the blessings that come each day.


Have a wonderful day with many *smiles*

I was over in New York Last week, staying with my sister Sophie and her family. On the Thursday, whilst her and her American husband were out at work, I agreed to look after their two kids (my neice and nephew) Brad and Mary-Jo (could they have given them any more flibbleflibbleflibbleflibbleflibbleflibble American sounding names?). Anyway I took them out down to the river where they did what 2 and 4 years olds do - fed the ducks, fell in the dirt, ate the dirt, needed the toilet when there was none near etc - generally had a good time. Towards the middle of the afternoon, they were busy chasing the ducks on the green. They were totally rubbish at it, so I though I would join in and show them how it should be done. I got us all to form a circle (well actually a triangle) around a big flock of geese and then we charged in together. Those birds crapped themselves, and all flew up in the air at once in a huge mass. Mary-Jo looked delighted, she tried to tell me something, but I couldn't make it out because just at that moment a dirty great noisy aeroplane flew overhead. Sometimes we forget the joys of harmless fun, playing with kids in the park...

BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE AND PROBABLY THE
CENTURY.

Charlotte, North Carolina.
A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars,
then insured them against, among other things, fire.
Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these
great cigars and without yet having made even his first
premium payment on the policy the lawyer filed a claim
against the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost
'in a series of small fires.'
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious
reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal
fashion.

The lawyer sued and WON!

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance
company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated
nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company,

which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and
also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire,
without defining what is considered to be unacceptable
'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the
insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to
the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the 'fires'.


NOW FOR THE BEST PART..

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company
counter-sued and had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the
previous case being used against him, the lawyer was
convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and
was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the
recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables bygetting someone else to hold them while you chop.

Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting thetoilet seat by using the sink.

For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cutyourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives; then you'll be afraid to cough.

You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape.
If it doesn't move and should, use the WD -40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous blonde sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'


'No,' she replies. . .







Wait for it. .






It's coming. .






The suspense is killing you, isn't it?








She says: 'You just happened to catch my eye.'

New Company rules and regulations

Dress Code

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

Bereavement Leave

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Toilet Use

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.


Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
Positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me. Today, we all could probably use more calm in our lives.

A doctor on breakfast television this morning said that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a chocolets.

Yu haf no idr who flibbleflibbleflibbleflibbleflibbleflibble gud I fel. Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee AR in ned ov inr pece

SNOW is a delicate substance made of tiny ice crystals and unlikely to last forever, the Met Office claimed last night.

Experts insisted the granular material had a soft and open structure that was very likely to turn into water, and was not an airborne member of the notoriously hardwearing diamond family.

As millions of Britons stocked up on anti-wolf equipment, climatologists claimed the snow would disappear within days as rising air temperatures resulted in the breakdown of its crystalline structure in a process they referred to as 'melting'.

A Met Office spokesman, said: "Snow is a notoriously unstable material, which is why we never use it to build bridges.

"Try picking it up, notice how the warmth of your hands makes it go soft and disappear. In fact, the only thing it is guaranteed to withstand is a 12-ton London bus."

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Don't waste them on exercise as everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. If you want to live longer, take a nap.


Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. A cow eats hay and corn. What are these? Vegetables! So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. If you need grain, eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). A pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products


Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means the water is taken out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. It is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!


Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.


Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!



Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: You're not listening!! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?


Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.


Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO - cocoa beans! Another vegetable. It's the best feel-good food around!!


Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.



Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: 'Round' is a shape. Isn't it!!



Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.



And remember:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, "WOO HOO, What a Ride!"

A bid for world peace

NSFW

http://www.tagtele.com/v/11924

Now these are funny



http://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik....2&disp=emb&zw

http://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik....1&disp=thd&zw

http://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik....3&disp=thd&zw

Now this would be really funny if it were just a joke - but it is too near to truth...

http://home.att.net/~hideaway_today/t133/noah.htm

it wrote that sod the curse and idiot! right a like feel you'll backwards message this read to have you realise you time the by

Bill of rights for makers of things...

It was April and the Aboriginals in a remote part of
Northern Australia asked their new elder if the coming winter was
going to be cold or mild.

Since he was an elder in a modern community he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the tribe should collect firewood to be prepared.

But being a practical leader, after several days he had an idea.

He walked out to the telephone booth on the highway, called the Bureau of Meteorology and asked, 'Is the coming winter in this area going to be cold?'

The meteorologist responded, 'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold.'

So the elder went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

A week later he called the Bureau of Meteorology again.
'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'

The meteorologist again replied, 'Yes, it's going to be a very cold winter.'

The elder again went back to his community and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later the elder called the Bureau again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?' he asked.

'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever.'

'How can you be so sure?' the elder asked.

The weatherman replied, 'Our satellites have reported that the Aboriginals in the north are collecting firewood like crazy, and that's always a sure sign.'

21 Economic Models Explained

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone think you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive

***JUST ADDED******

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

A farmer buys a bunch of pigs to breed for pork. He gets 8 sows and a boar. He puts them all together in a pen and leaves them for a few weeks to get acquainted.
After a while, he calls the vet in to see if any of the pigs are pregnant. The vet checks them all out and has some bad news.
"Giles, I'm afraid your sows are all going to have problems conceiving....and your boar has a very low sperm count"
"Oh vetnary, is there anything I can do?"
"Well, you could try getting them inseminated? It's quite expensive though"
"Oh, well, I'll have to have a think about that then. How will I know when the pigs are pregnant?"
The vet tells the farmer that the pigs will lay down in the mud and roll around a lot.
Thanking the vet for his time, the farmer sends the vet on his way. Lying in bed that night he decides that he could inseminate the pigs himself, and save a lot of money.
The next morning he loads the pigs into the back of his shiny red truck and drives them all to the woods. He ties them up and bangs each one in turn.
The next morning he looks out the window and sees the pigs aren't laying down or rolling in the mud. So, he loads them back in the truck and drives them to the woods again, this time rodgering them twice each for good measure.
The following day, same thing, pigs aren't laying down or rolling in the mud. So, back in the truck, back to the woods. He proceeds to bang the hell out of the piggies all day, so much so his underpants start smelling like smoky bacon.
The next morning giles' wife wakes him up in a panic.
"Giles, Giles, the pigs are acting mighty strange!"
"What, are they lying in the mud and rolling around a lot?" He asks in excitement!
"No Giles, they're all in your truck and they're honking the blooming' horn!"